Joy

On the eve of the 1 year anniversary of your passing, this is for you, Nan.


I often sit and think about the conversations we never had, all the stories that made up your life, stories I never heard. I wonder about the things you saw, the music you heard, the people you loved.. the tapestry of your life. I wish I knew the way you felt inside where nobody else could see, what hidden secrets, hopes and dreams formed the very foundation of You.

I long to know who you were before I met you, the things that made your heart swell with joy, the things that made you cry yourself to sleep at night. Did you ever gaze in the mirror seeking to find yourself? Did you know with an utmost conviction exactly who you were?

Did you long for something more?

Were you anything like me?

I think about how I took your presence for granted . You were always there, with a mischievous smile and a wicked laugh. I remember listening to the sound of your voice as you sang your favourite songs. You were so beautiful.
You had a fierce strength that I admired. A sense of humour that I shared. You were so open and compassionate, so full of joy.

I miss you every day.

Before you left, I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, I wanted to tell you how much I love you but the full depth of my feelings could not be conveyed by mere words and you wouldn’t have heard me anyway.. though I like to think that maybe, just maybe, deep down, you might have. From my soul to yours.

I don’t know what it’s like where you are, I don’t know if ‘you’ are really anywhere but I hope that one day we will sit together again, and I will have the courage to take your hand in mine and tell you everything I never said when you were here. I hope you will fill my heart with your stories, with your laughter and joy and that you will know how deeply you were loved.